


Momentarily Alright

by starprise_entership



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Julian-Centric, M/M, Train of Thought, episode tag: ‘Doctor Bashir I Presume’, some pretty heavy emotional stuff ahead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 03:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13332744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starprise_entership/pseuds/starprise_entership
Summary: Shortly after Julian’s genetic enhancements are revealed to Starfleet, he’s come to find sleeping more difficult.





	Momentarily Alright

In the dead of night, Julian’s eyes snap open as his breath hitches in his chest, a short, sharp intake of air. Anxiously, his gaze darts around the room, and then a wave of relief comes over him when he remembers he’s still in his quarters. Vaguely aware that his nightshirt is soaked with the dampness of his own sweat, he lies on his side, stunned, and glancing out the window at the stars.

_This situation wasn’t your fault. It never was._ He runs that set of thoughts over again in his head, willing himself to believe it. _But what if you had known the connotations and the consequences of the process that was done to you without your consent?_ Julian blinks, forcefully. _You were too young to know. It wasn’t your fault._

_You knew you were uncomfortable with yourself after a few weeks after the treatment started. But couldn’t you have refused? Caused a big fuss. Or anything to resist the treatment? Fighting against it would’ve been better than not fighting at all._

Julian pushes the thoughts away for a moment, a bitter taste in his throat. Pushing the thoughts away was helpful when he was fifteen and full of rage at what his parents had done, but could he get away with doing it now? Running from his past was so tiring - but there was absolutely no way to escape it when it was encoded into each and every single cell in your body, and his career and future, largely relied on the special enhancements done to his genes. Dealing with it felt much worse - he didn’t even know when to start. Ever since he had uncovered the truth, he had spent lots of time shoving memories of his period on Adigeon Prime into the deep recesses of his memory, but it was still not enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

Just as it was that night. The same thoughts, replaying in his head. The same turmoil, rising up within him. The same conflict that he dealt with every single time the nightmares occurred, slowly eating away at him like the rats chewing away on coolant pipes. And the emotion, it would gradually build up along with the sound of his rapidly beating heart in his ears, crescendoing gradually _and then -_

Complete dissociation. Usually, nobody on the outside could tell, but for Julian himself, it was a whole different story. He’d suddenly be aware of nothing but his own body. And how everyone claimed that it was different, and it posed a threat to general society as a whole. But he knew that he was human. So very human. And at times he could imagine nicking the side of his palm and letting the blood drip forth and he would wish that his systems were the same as everyone else’s, absolutely, undoubtedly, human.

Taking another breath, Julian tries to shift himself into a more comfortable position, but is stopped by the barrier that coils underneath his arms and across his front. Garak’s strong arms hold him securely in place, but it doesn’t feel restricting or vice-like. Instead, the only word that Julian could use to describe himself is simply, ‘secure’. And so he makes small, subtle movements, careful not to wake his sleeping companion.

Garak leaves gentle, caressing imprints on the back of Julian’s neck when each breath lands, sending shivers down his spine. The good kind. He finds himself relaxing as he listens to Garak breathe for a few seconds, and then joins in himself. _Inhale. Exhale._ For now, Garak’s presence is a reminder to Julian that he is not alone with his thoughts tonight. Smiling slightly, Julian imagines Garak as a fierce dragon, chasing away all his negative thoughts and the troubling nightmares. _What a silly fantasy,_ Julian admits.

For now, everything is momentarily alright as Julian gradually drifts off to sleep. The thoughts could wait until tomorrow.

 


End file.
